911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Pretty much! 😂👀
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
