Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes

Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential

12653.

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

Don’t forget to tip your server

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.