Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [scanning menu] what page are u on

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants