Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

In 2024 a leather ‘mosh pit diaper’ went on sale, aimed at adults who didn’t want to queue for toilets at concerts. It sold out within 24 hours.

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

financial planner: ok, and if you DON’T discover a lost van gogh at a garage sale?

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

[8am, phone rings]

Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.

Me: No worries, I have vodka.

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..

Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!

turning my gender off to conserve energy

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.