Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

Me: I lost 3 pounds!

Domino’s: I found them for you.

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

Me *sneezes*

My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.