Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.