“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
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If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me