Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her

Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?

Kid: “Sorry,” I think

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet

Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.

Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

Guns don’t kill people

People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”