Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

no one:

me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.