Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies

Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us

ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time

Cowboy: ok cool

pharaoh: over my dead body!

pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all