911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
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I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Discuss
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks