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I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
why would tinder want me to say this
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination