Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

[gazing into The mirror of Erised]

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES