Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

The smoothest fall of all time

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”

Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

Zack Greinke stories are the best

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

Aight bet

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.