Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

Can I get a Hallelujah?

Hallelujah!

Can I get an Amen?

Amen!

Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?

*crickets*

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”

I am so proud.

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

Them: Who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

These are too funny not to post 😂

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

Still cracks me up