Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

I’m not alone. I have ants.

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

Managing expectations

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.