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HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom