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911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”