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how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now