You Might Also Like
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
It will always be this
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.