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Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Merica.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.