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So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation