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{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
The “baby” on the left….
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Dishonest mechanic?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
