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idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I love wikipedia
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Just added something to my bucket list.
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.