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I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
My work here is done
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.