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[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich