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Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers