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More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.