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Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
Frankenstein?
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
❤️🦆
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter