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Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.