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I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court