You Might Also Like
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I am never leaving this website
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.