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Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
when you order from DoorDastardly
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I don’t make the rules sorry
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well