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Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Nothing.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Spell check is for lasers.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow