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After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Guilty! 🤪
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….