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Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked