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Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
so, is there a mister shapen head
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
good let them take over I have had enough
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.