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gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I’m already scared
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.