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What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
*seductively eats two tums*
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Canadian owl: Eh?
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family