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One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
The photographer’s assistant
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
just witnessed a drug deal
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????