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Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size