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[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.