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Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.