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The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
Spider-cat: No One Home
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
This bar smells like my childhood.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs