You Might Also Like
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
no
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.