You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Breaking news:
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.