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Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
somebody come look at this
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is