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I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
😂😂
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
The Friday File.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.