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[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
This poor dog
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
broke down and did it
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
I can’t stop watching this.