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Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.