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[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.