You Might Also Like
We need it on priority
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
Facebook memories be like
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it