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Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
it’s the silliest best thing
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.