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I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
So Hamburger help me, God
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”