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If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
My work here is done
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.