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BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.