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Lo AND behold? in this economy?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER