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Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period