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Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
incredible book dedication
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.