You Might Also Like
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
the council will decide your fate
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.