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me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Ugh
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
The pen is writier than the sword.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?