You Might Also Like
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*