You Might Also Like
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Nothing to do, you say?
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.