You Might Also Like
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
🎵 I can’t wait to
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.