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Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”