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Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
*praying for world peace*
God:
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Guys, I found it.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*