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This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Today’s Times
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind