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[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Always go for the Lonewolf, unless they are insane, then go for someone else.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
a lot to unpack here
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”
I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.
I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”