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you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Great game to play with friends
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.