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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
goldfish mafia
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Guantanamo Bae
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
British people
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.