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I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.