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[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Beware of the “party goblin”…
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
