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I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
why I oughta
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Why font matters.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits